Misssing Paul (2)

(The sun is up-up-up, Lindy-love)

Shut up, Paul, Lindsay snapped at the empty house. How many times had Paul waken her up with that line? A hundred times? A million? And it felt so different, so weird, that Paul wasn't there to sing her wake up-Lindsay-line to her. It was very weird indeed.

When her naked feet touched the cold wooden floor, after the cold had shocked her no more, her thoughts were on bacon and eggs. How the house had smelled so strongly of them in the morning and later with Paul's dark, brewed coffee. Later, because Paul preferred to make his own coffee. Though it made no sense to Lindsay. She could make coffee pretty well, as far as she was concerned.

(Not quite Lindy-love. You make the rest of the menu, I make the coffee. uh-huh?)

(Uh-huh, whatever you say Paul)

She didn't make breakfast today. Today was no bacon and eggs day. Today wasn't quite sunny enough. Her head still felt a little heavy and evrything around her was somewhat hazy. She yawned, her head falling back and her mouth gaping wide. Her arms were stretched upwards.

Then her cell phone rang.

Her arms were still in the air when her head turned to the side as she looked at the blnking phone, ringing as if with the sole purpose of breaking the silence. She picked it up. Paul calling, it read. Paul was calling. Her hand shot towards the phone, grabbing it with shocking speed.

"Paul?"

"Hey Lindy! Having bacon and eggs today?"

She didn't know what to say. "Uh, well, actually--"

"You didn't, did you?" There was a hint of a smile in his voice.

"Well, no. It 's your fault. I want you here."

There was a long pause. A pregnant pause, like he says. Though she never like describing pauses as pregnant.

" 'course you do, Lindy-love." He was almost laughing now.

Why did you say goodbye in your scheduler Paul? Was it just a whim? Were you playing games on me? Because I don't like gsmes like that. They're not funny at all.

Aloud, she sad: "And you don't?"

" 'Course I do. But Lindy, you've got to get used to not having me around. You--"

"What are you saying?" Cutting him short, not wanting him to say any more. "I don't have to get used to that Paul. I'll never get used to it, Paul. Stop saying th--"

"Hush Lindsay," Not Lind, Not Lindy-love, Not love. Lindsay. "Just hush for a while now, okay? Listen to me."

"No, I don't want to, Paul."

"You're gonna have to. Just listen to me now." His voice was calmer, softer. "Lindy..."

She sighed a sigh of relief tat he called her Lindy again.

"Fine... But Paul..."

"Lindy-love, I'm not coming back."

Not coming back? Paul? He's going to be away for good? Forever?

Lindsay was speechless. There was no word to suffice. She dropped the phone to the floor, with a sharp sound.

As if from faraway, Paul's voice came alive from the phone. "Lindy? You there Lindy?"

But she was drifting farther away. His voice was disappearing, swallowed by the silence, the unmerciful silence.

The morning then wallowed in the dark, until it was no more.

Missing Paul

She rolled onto the left side, Paul's side, of the bed and frowned- even as she was deep in a dreamless sleep. The bed felt so huge and so vacant when Paul mwasn't there. There was no one snoring beside her and the room felt so incomplete, though she never liked his snores that much. But the silence was eerie it stung the drums in her ears. 'Paul,' she heard someone whisper in the deathly silence. Then she heard it again, in a whisper that was softer, more like a caress. she was starting to dream, she knew, and she was dreaming of Paul. Soon, he would pop into view wearing his old faded blue jeans and worn out black shirt with the word My Wife Doesn't know printed boldly in the front. She'd bought it for him as a joke and he'd laughed at it so hard she feared the words actually meant something. But he put her fears to rest when, not laughing anymore, he pulled her close and told her, "But you always know, love."

Yes, she always knows. She does. That's what he said.

But the cream-colored walls came into view instead, then the closet, then the vanity mirror, then their whole tidy bedroom (mostly because Paul insisted it to be that way). Still, there was no Paul. There were no faded jeans and black shirt. "Paul," she heard a whisper again, then realized that she was hearing her own voice, searching and unsure in the deafening quiet. She realized she wasn't dreaming. She was was wide awake in their bedroom that contained only her, cold and lonely that night. She realized she's been calling out to Paul so many times only to have the unmerciful silence reply. How she hated not having Paul around. It was almost like a crippling. She sat up on the bed, leaning on the pillow that was supposed to be cradling Paul's head. The lights were on- a bright contrast against how she felt. When Paul was around, the lights were always off at night. he never forgot to accomplish that chore. She looked around her, unsure of what she was looking for.

Then something caught her eye. It was Paul's scheduler, still looking new. Paul knew how to take care of his things.
(like they had life of their own, love)
Not really thinking about what she was doing, she reached out for the leather-covered notebook. There was his pen inserted inside it (how he loved his pens) and instantly, the scheduler opened where the pen was. She found herself staring at today's date, May 6. On the thin green-colored lines, her husband wrote: Goodbye, love. A shiver crawled up her spine. She closed the notebook in a snap, not wanting to see the strokes of the pen that wrote those words anymore. Since when did Paul say goodbye? No, not even when he left, walking towards his plane yesterday, all he said was 'Love you!" smiling despite himself. No, even his calls only ended with "talk to you later" or "see you." No, Paul never said goodbye. Because I'll be back, love, won't I? That's what he said. She pushed the scheduler away to the foot of the bed, as if it was hiding a hideous creature inside it, shaking the words off her head. No, but you'll be back, love, won't you?

But there was no one around to answer her.

The Man with a Black Umbrella

She stood trapped under the roof of the old school building, fidgeting and shivering in the cold. Rain sprayed at her, but she remained at the edge of the stair, sheltered by the last stretch of roof, as if she could make the rain stop by staring at the skies. Please, please stop, she said under her breath again and again. She hugged a couple of books, bot thick and heavy, to her chest, regretting that she had gone to the library earlier. Her arms were starting to hurt. She glanced at her watch: 2:06. She was six minutes late from class. She fidgeted even more. Her next class, News Editing, was at Guy Hall which was quite a walk from where she was. And, she knew for sure, Mrs. Acedo would be giving a news quiz.

She looked at her watch again and was horrified to see it was already 2:15; the rain poured heavier than ever, she had no umbrella and she was stuck at Villareal Hall. She thought about dashing for it, but when she thought of herself soaked and dripping wet when she arrived at her classroom, she didn't bother. But now, that she's 20 minutes late, the notion seemed quite appealing. Five more minutes and I'll run for it, she thought to herself, fearful of having to actually do it. Then as if trying to prove what she was thinking, she went down the steps in quick jerky movements, raised the book over her head and started to run.

She was gaining momentum despite the huge drops of rain pounding on her skin, stinging her eyes, when someone bumped her- hard- and she almost landed on her buttocks. "I'm sorry," a tall guy muttered, holding her firmly by the elbow. She couldn't feel the rain anymore and realized that he held an umbrella above their heads. "It's okay," she muttered back, not even attempting to mask her irritation, shook her elbow free of his grasp and decided to move along.

"You headed for the next gate?" He asked, as he held her elbow again. "Guy Hall" was the only thing she managed to say, and then she was quiet, silenced by the faint hint of hope she was hearing in his voice- which was, by the way, a very low baritone. "Let me take you there." He did not even look at her to see if she would agree. He simply held her elbow and led her where she was going.

There was nothing to say on the way there, and not one of them attempted at making small talk. So they walked in silence, with only the sound of heavy rain drumming on his black umbrella to listen to.

When, finally, they reached Guy Hall, she rushed to the steep stairs that led to her classroom, forgetting for a moment that the man with the umbrella was at least entitled to a polite thank-you. Remembering, she looked back, discovered him still there, and waved to him.

"Thanks a lot," she said with a smile.
He only smiled in return, then walked away to listen to the rain drum on his umbrella again.


.........................


Coming out of the gate, he immediately went back to his car, where he'd been sitting about half an hour ago doing absolutely nothing but stare into Villareal Hall- stare at her in Villareal Hall. He was not always in the business of staring at people, but he saw her, right when he was about to start the engine, just one of the people stuck in the building because of the rain, and he couldn't help it. So he peeled his hand off the wheel and fumbled for his still wet umbrella, thinking she should have brought an umbrella with her. Hadn't she expected the rain? The clouds looked heavy this morning. Then he saw her run, two thick books held tightly above her head. He didn't have time to think. He opened his car door, holding the umbrella in his other hand and went to her, walking briskly as if also late for class. Then he bumped into her, it not being an accident at all. And, walking to Guy Hall like one with a mission accomplished, he smiled inside, listening to her heavy breathing and the plops her feet made as she walked on wet ground.

No, the rain drumming on his black umbrella wasn't at all the sound he was listening to.

He looked up at the dark skies. Can it rain again tomorrow?

Choosing to Love

Everyday, it's choosing to love the people that God loves, that makes the world a bearable place to live in, knowing that there are also people (plenty of them, I'm sure) who go out of their way to choose to love me.

I believe with all my heart that love is not an emotion; because if that were the case, the God who created it is so shallow, so temporary and so irrelevant. But that is not the case.

The God who created love transcends time; He is everlasting. He is pro-forever. I believe that is even why He designed marriages to last until two people united as one have breathed their last- until what the world can grasp of forever expires.

Knowing this, I realize, that loving people is not based on how you feel for them- whether you get along with them fine or not, whether you understand them or not. Because love is a choice. Love is not an emotion. It is not a feeling.

When God ordained for Jesus to die on the cross for our sins, He decided to give up His son so that there would be atonement for sins once and for all. He decided to forsake Jesus, so that He could forgive us. There is no greater example, because God Himself is Love.

You see, even accepting God is a choice. He designed it that way. He gave man free will. We can decide for ourselves.

So when I start to feel like I don't want to care about this person anymore, when I feel like giving up because I just can't take the emotional chaos and all that, I go back to the cross (that's where we should all go home to, you know) and look at Jesus hanging in there. I start to think that God decided, and had it in his heart, to love me. And for that reason, Jesus died, and Jesus rose again.

And after that, I decide to love this person, this unlovable being common to each one of us, care for this person and still try to understand. Because even God cared to save me. Even God cared to do something about my hopelessness. So, who am I to not even try?

Everyday, it's going back to what God did for us, who we became the moment we understood that, and who our God is.

Everyday, it's choosing to love. Even though we don't feel like it.

The Way to Let Go

It's in my head, it's in my heart and more often than not, it feels so right- like it's meant to stay here with me forever. But no, stepping back a little and looking at myself pondering over things I should least be concerned about, I realize that I am making a mistake. I have to let it go.

Then, just as a dear friend of mine asked me a while ago, I asked myself: How do I let go?

Let us refresh ourselves with what God says. Let's try to remember what we've known for so long: If God is not Lord of all, He is not Lord at all. God wants everything.

But as I look at myself and try, pitifully, to evaluate, there's absolutely no doubt that there's still this one thing I haven't laid down on the feet of Jesus. It's tugging at my emotions, playing with my heart. I don't want it to be there, but it is, slowly gaining strength and making itself a stronghold. Even when I know this though, it still feels more comfortable to just let it take hold of me, to let it make a home in my heart. That's when I started be blinded that the seat in my heart that was supposed to be God's and His alone, is being shared by another undeserving creature, who in comparison to God is really just a bag of dust.

But woefully, I silently cry out, 'Can't I just let it stay there?' That's when I started to be really stupid. All the daily devotions and dialogues with God were forgotten and I chose to give my heart free rein. Oh boy, does it feel so right indeed! I'm sure a lot of people can agree with me in this. But God says, the heart is deceitful above all things. How true! So, after several days of thinking things over ( and finally deciding to tell a trusted friend about this) I discovered that I was being deceived; my heart was being fooled.

So now, I stand up, deciding in my heart that this wouldn't get the better of me. I am determined to make God Lord of everything in my life. So finally, I have the answer to my question. I am letting this go by taking hold of God. There's no better way. I'm letting this go by giving the throne back, entirely, to God, pushing away whatever had hindered Him from having it whole.

In practical terms, I'm removing the focus on the distraction and replacing the focus on God.

Yes, the distraction is still very much present (alive and kicking) and it still has this annoying effect on me. But whatever it takes, I'm going to shake it off and look to God. I value God more than anything in this world, love Him more than any sweet human gesture and treasure Him more than any heart-melting smile.

Still the bottom line remains this: loving God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. Right now, with that as my priority, I have, officially, no time nor energy for anything else.

On Forgiveness

When you feel so mad about something (or someone for that matter), shut your mouth, run to your room, lock yourself in and think. Stop for a while and refuse to give free rein to your emotions. They can feel like a very strong tide rushing about but I tell it you, it can be stopped. Go away from the source of that anger inside you and breath in, then breathe out (of course i don't have to tell you that you should keep doing this hehe).

When you're mad, you see, you feel like your emotions, and your opinions are the most correct things in the world. It feels so right to let them out. But the truth is, it's not. Because if you do, you'll only regret it later... after you've already hurt someone's feelings or ruined a relationship. It will be harder if you choose to follow your heart. When things like this happens, IT IS WISER to follow your mind.

If you want to, cry your frustrations out. Or just be still and stare at the ceiling. What I do is I talk to God. I tell him how mad I am. I tell him everything there is to tell about what's happening to me. Then, I pray, and ask God for wisdom. You can do that too. Pray, and let God know that you don't want to be consumed by what you're feeling.

When I did that last night, God spoke to me and revealed something to me I never really thought of before.

This is what I came to realize:

Forgiveness becomes so easy when you realize that you love God more than you want to keep your pride, more than your hurt and anger. It becomes easy when you remember that you also are no better but are only one who has been forgiven.

When you really love God and if the desire of your heart is really to honor him, there is no emotion so great that will stop you from doing so.

Why You?

I wake up this morning
I mean this afternoon
Wanting to get up out of bed.
But oh, not being able.
I stare at the ceiling
And I just remember you.
Oh boy, out of the blue.
The weirdest memory-
The memory of you.
I shake my head.
Say no, oh no.
What's gotten into me?
Why would I think of you?
I jump out of bed and sing.
Start my day with melodies.
So much to do.
Still thinking of you.
Gosh, why you?
Of all the other people
I find appealing in this world,
Why is my mind on you? I wonder.
I can't think of a reason.
Only that things happen.
Like the sun just rises.
In the morning it does.
Then the moon at night.
How I wish I wouldn't think of you-
Why you?
After all such time?
The days that passed?
I hate it.
So much, I hate it.
I'm gonna stop thinking of you.
It's not doing me good.
Nope, not at all.
So bye bye love.
Bye bye bittersweet
Rough edges around you.
Imperfect little huge smile.
Gosh, I'm still thinking.
Of you, still thinking.
Okay, I'm shutting up.
No more words.
No, no more.
Not even one.
I'm shutting up now.
I'm shutting up.

Real Women Don't Like Cheap Guys

Oh they're everywhere- you wouldn't have any difficulty spotting them at all. In as much as they seem "cute" to the world around them, when you'd dig down deeper into them, you'd find your voice resonating, echoing loudly back and forth in the empty cave that is their minds and hearts.

Now, how do we come to recognize one? First, you'd know these guys by their lack of wisdom. As much as they seem to know "everything," they don't apply their knowledge often enough. Their tongues are loose and their favorite sport is playing around with unsuspecting girls' hearts. As rude as it sounds, this much is true. Believe me, I've encountered far too many like them. They go about saying words that are supposed to hold a deeper meaning, as if those words are just common punctuation marks. Their mouths endlessly flatter, and their actions are done without much thought beforehand. Their arms are soon to drape around a woman's shoulders and their lips open and close to spew empty endearments.

These guys also have no convictions. Usually, they settle for what they feel is right. Feelings play a very significant role in their lives in that they follow what they feel more often than they do not. You see, they seem to have this false mindset that men do not have the capability to control. They think getting drunk is cool and being swarmed by bikini-clad women is practically heaven on earth. I don't have to emphasize this, but yes, this is very, very cheap.

These guys are also allergic to commitments. In their hearts, they prefer the enjoyment of the moment, unmindful of what becomes tomorrow. They like the thought of having a girlfriend ( or wife for that matter) but they think keeping a relationship is far too tedious. So, they settle for flings, or relationships as hazy as the sight of one who's just woken up- what we like to call a mutual understanding. You see, they obviously like girls, the idea of girls and girls themselves, but he responsibility tied to being with one is way above their heads. If they do come into relationship, chances are that they're going to get tired pretty soon and run off to prey on someone else.

Most of all, these guys don't read their Bibles. They may keep their own Bibles at home but chances are that they've never opened them at all or have read them from time to time but haven't absorbed anything. Anyone who has not absorbed the word of God is on the dark; he's clueless and lost. So, if he claims to be a Christian yet his life is not aligned to what he knows is the will of God, there's something very wrong with him. You see when he claims to love God yet not put much value on God's word, and doesn't put much effort on doing what it says, he's a major problem.

To sum it up, he's all in all, a lie.

I have to say that this blog is not meant to condemn any male who happened to be reading, but to challenge men to act as men, to go up a level higher than their usual brittle standards, and to refuse to be ones who can be called cheap.

On the other hand, this blog can also be reversed to relate to females who are reading. This is also to tell you girls that you should know better than swooning over those cheap ones!

D.G.

To Lysander

Wherefore art thou dearest Lysander?

Mine eyes drink of thine fair form

but pray do tell dear Lysander

How thou art far- how mine heart tore

By Hermia art thou, bittersweet love?

Is thine one heart for Hermia set apart?

Wilt not thine heart seek mine chaste affection?

Hath thou found comfort in Hermia’s beauteous fashion?

Oh how deaf thou art Lysander!

And how greatly in seeing doth thou falter

Doth not mine heart cry loud enough Lysander?

For thine sight mine tears cannot fall any faster

In yerterdays and morrows I for so long cry

But thou, Lysander, hath not even a sigh

Oh I dont blame thee and thine jurisdiction

For thine heart and mine hath no perfection

And thine heart hath blindeth thee

But woe to me, Oh Lysander dear

For thine love is not for me

Go run to thine love- thine Hermia

For whence doth thine happiness spring but in Hermia?

Go sing of thine love and all of me forget

For rain on your sunshine mine sorrows I shalt not let

But do not look at me then, fair Lysander

For mine sorrows art yet to come thither

Mine tears art for mine eyes only to behold

So set thine sight in thine love’s threshold

Oh this pain Lysander!

Canst kill its host but is there any better

Than mine love for thee to die?

Oh Lysander be away from me and out of sight

For mine love for thee I dearly pray to die…

may 11, 2008

Duet

December 9th, 2008

I sing to you Lord

Forever I sing of how much I love You

Most awesome are You

Great is the extent of Your love

Should I seek to measure it, I wouldn’t be able

Should I dare fathom, I’d never fully understand

For, my King, what do You see in me?

Am I not but a filthy rag, worthy of the fire,

Deserving Your wrath?

Why do You love me, how come You always do?

Look at me Lord, and tell me what You see

Then would You still want any part in me?

I pour out all that I am to You

I needn’t spare any for myself

I will sing of Your love

Of Your never-ending compassion

And Your everlasting mercy

To You none shall ever compare

You are beautiful Lord, so much more beautiful

I’m Yours and You’re mine

To you I give myself

I live because of You

You are my purpose, my dream, my prize, my eternity

I live for You; You are my life

And because of Your goodness

I worry no more, for what good will it ever do me?

Never will sorrow so strongly overwhelm

Anger shall lose its power

And death shall solicit no more fear

Anxiousness will have no more part in me

Loneliness shall lose its grip

The enemy has been defeated

No longer shall it ever ensnare

For in Heaven and on earth, you have conquered

You have built Yourself as an everlasting fortress

In Your glory, I forever take refuge

Forever I am free

No longer can anything take hold of me
My King, I share in Your victory

When with the triumph of Your cry You sealed eternity

The Savior’s task is done

“It is finished!”

The Heavens smile upon You

And Your glory, Your children shall forever reflect

All that You ask of me Lord is to believe

And gladly I cater to Your request

For I believed and my eyes were opened

No longer am I blind

To the perishing Your word is but folly

To them You’re but a state of mind

But how Lord, can one not see You in the sky?
Your grandeur in a moonlit night?

How can one not hear You in the songs of Your creation-

The apples Of Your eye?

How can one not behold You in the strength of full surrender?

In the desperation of silent cries?
How can one not perceive You in the thunder of Your wrath?
That even in anger, good Lord, You seek only to love?
How can one be so blind as not to see,

So deaf as not to hear

So hardened as not to feel

The depth of Your love,

Your everlasting love?

When in Your wounds You cried out, ‘Be healed!’

In your sacrifice You whispered, ‘You are loved’

And in Your death You commanded, ‘Live!’?

I sing of You Lord forever

Let the whole world sing along with me.

c:

Song of a Broken Heart

May 12th, 2008

Hear my heart Lord it’s crying

See the tears that keep falling from my eyes

Ease the pain Lord that’s hiding

In my heart Lord, is this how i die?

Heal in me Lord this hurting

Hold me close to Your loving arms and say

That with me You’ll always stay

And hear me when I say

When will this hurting end?

And all these tears stop falling?

Coz I’ve tired my eyes

Oh I’ve tired my eyes

Just to find

That it’s not enough to cry

Oh it’s not enough to cry

No it’s never enough to cry

Coz after I’ve closed my eyes

He’s still there

Holding on to his guitar

And he doesn't care

Even if I was so far

Oh Lord stop making me care

Coz for too many times

I’ve defined

How it’s never enough to cry

More than enough Lord I’ve been trying

Given up Lord this feeling to Your light

But how Lord does it keep coming

Back to this healing heart of mine?

Oh Lord I want to stop crying

For this one thing I’ve been broken far too much

I’ve learned Lord just how crying

Can’t ease this burden in my heart

Oh it’s not enough to cry

Not it’s never enough to cry

So after I’ve wiped my eyes

Been done with my fake smiles

He won’t be there

In my heart

He’d only be holding his guitar

And I won’t again care

If from me he was so far

So Lord stop making me care

Coz for too many times

I’ve defined

How it’s never enough to cry…

This Silly Little Smile

i'd been smiling too much these days
perhaps too much
to do my health good
coz once it fades
i know it'll go in a breath
once gone
forever lost
this silly, silly little smile
this certain particular bend
that curves the lips
that shapes the eyes
carves them way
way different than others
one look and you'd know
what it tries to say
though it tries to hide
maybe keep it inside
but no, it wouldn't be a secret
a glance and it's already out
for people to see
to think deep
and wonder
'who could it be?'
but people
they don't always think
the right questions in their heads
so their pondering can be
rather far fetched
but oh of course, yes
people can also think right
the right questions in their heads
though they may not
always verbalize
but who's to say
what this smile means
it's for me to interpret
for me to know the meaning
the way poets are left to smile
at readers who so hard try
to decode the thoughts in their blabbering
words pregnant with something
that everyone wants unhidden
coz this smile is bound to fade i know
how many smiles like this
have i smiled before?
and what did i in the end discover?
but that it dies out
in time it does
until one
that fateful one
comes its way
until it finds me
unknowing of its presence
until then i'll keep to myself
until this silly, silly
little smile fades.

why, i'm slowly feeling it wane...

Hush Now, Hush

So hush now,
The world's still turning
You'll see
It won't be too hard
When the sun comes up
Bright when it's shining

So why all the fuss
Your brows come greeting
Each other in the shadows
Smile now
Come on and smile
You'll see it ain't too bad
I'll be here
You won't be needing
To hide beneath your
Greeting brows

Hush now
Come on and hush
Sweet Little Dark Side
Harsh Tender Rough Edges
Soft Little Loud Sound
Hiding Neath Red Swollen Eyes
Rested Tired Round Head
Quiet Shouting Whisper
Inside My Outside Heart

So hush now, hush
Just hush now, hush
No use speaking
No use speaking
No use speaking
So hush now, hush


We'll forget about it later
We'll talk about it later

But now hush
Hush now, hush